Severed Connection

Two posts in one month, admittedly uncanny for this blog. That being said, YOLO. You might as well blog it up if you do in fact, only live once. I've noticed recently that when I have conversations about therapy I get really excited and I kind of go off into long rants. That's one reason why I blog I suppose, so people aren't forced into those conversations. Recently, I had a conversation about how I do therapy and what it entails.

I think therapy is about connection. When a person comes to me as a client what I am trying to do is connect with them. It seems like a simple concept, but you'd be surprised at the obstacles that I encounter in this process. I'll list a few...

1. Congruency. Some times people's content doesn't match their affect. In other words, people will say things that should evoke some sort of emotion, yet they don't exhibit any emotion at all. This could be for a variety of reasons. They may have completely disconnected from emotions all together (aka disassociated from the emotions), are too embarrassed or ashamed of the emotion so they attempt to hide the emotion that should coincide with the content,  or pretend to have overcome the emotions. There are a few others, but from what I've learned those are the big ones.

2. Shame. Some people are so ashamed that they have a hard time engaging with other people. Their thoughts are ridden with the belief that if they are known, they will not be good enough or lovable enough. Therefore, they must hide. People can hide in a variety of ways. One of which includes language. Paying attention to someone's language can tell you a lot about how they see themselves as a person.

3. Anxiety. Some people get so anxious at the idea of connecting with another person that they kind of wig out, especially the deeper you go into that person's psyche. Sitting through this anxiety can be difficult. They will talk and talk and talk. As a therapist I try to track what they're saying, but most of the time I am focused on whether or not I feel connected to them. Anxiety was especially damaging to my therapist-client connection when I was more inexperienced (although I probably am still quite inexperienced). All you have to do to understand why it is hard, is sit and talk with an anxious person. It rubs off on you.

4. Projection. Sometimes you as a person represent a certain type of person that has been hurtful to the client. This puts you in a hole from the beginning and hinders connecting with the client. They will assume you should act and react certain ways to the them. They do not allow for you to have an authentic response to them, because they have already formed their thoughts and beliefs about how you will respond. This can be a hard one for me to overcome because I am a male. Males, unfortunately, have been the perpetrators of abuse in far too many relationships. That being said, because I am a male, I can help people rewrite their beliefs about men.

Beyond obstacles of connection, there are things that I do to facilitate this bond with clients, and that is look for the positive. Everyone has something good about themselves, and if you spend the time looking for it, you can always find it. I believe you must connect on the negative just as much as the positive with people. Help them build themselves. That process can be extremely rewarding and can result in a strong connection.