Severed Connection

Two posts in one month, admittedly uncanny for this blog. That being said, YOLO. You might as well blog it up if you do in fact, only live once. I've noticed recently that when I have conversations about therapy I get really excited and I kind of go off into long rants. That's one reason why I blog I suppose, so people aren't forced into those conversations. Recently, I had a conversation about how I do therapy and what it entails.

I think therapy is about connection. When a person comes to me as a client what I am trying to do is connect with them. It seems like a simple concept, but you'd be surprised at the obstacles that I encounter in this process. I'll list a few...

1. Congruency. Some times people's content doesn't match their affect. In other words, people will say things that should evoke some sort of emotion, yet they don't exhibit any emotion at all. This could be for a variety of reasons. They may have completely disconnected from emotions all together (aka disassociated from the emotions), are too embarrassed or ashamed of the emotion so they attempt to hide the emotion that should coincide with the content,  or pretend to have overcome the emotions. There are a few others, but from what I've learned those are the big ones.

2. Shame. Some people are so ashamed that they have a hard time engaging with other people. Their thoughts are ridden with the belief that if they are known, they will not be good enough or lovable enough. Therefore, they must hide. People can hide in a variety of ways. One of which includes language. Paying attention to someone's language can tell you a lot about how they see themselves as a person.

3. Anxiety. Some people get so anxious at the idea of connecting with another person that they kind of wig out, especially the deeper you go into that person's psyche. Sitting through this anxiety can be difficult. They will talk and talk and talk. As a therapist I try to track what they're saying, but most of the time I am focused on whether or not I feel connected to them. Anxiety was especially damaging to my therapist-client connection when I was more inexperienced (although I probably am still quite inexperienced). All you have to do to understand why it is hard, is sit and talk with an anxious person. It rubs off on you.

4. Projection. Sometimes you as a person represent a certain type of person that has been hurtful to the client. This puts you in a hole from the beginning and hinders connecting with the client. They will assume you should act and react certain ways to the them. They do not allow for you to have an authentic response to them, because they have already formed their thoughts and beliefs about how you will respond. This can be a hard one for me to overcome because I am a male. Males, unfortunately, have been the perpetrators of abuse in far too many relationships. That being said, because I am a male, I can help people rewrite their beliefs about men.

Beyond obstacles of connection, there are things that I do to facilitate this bond with clients, and that is look for the positive. Everyone has something good about themselves, and if you spend the time looking for it, you can always find it. I believe you must connect on the negative just as much as the positive with people. Help them build themselves. That process can be extremely rewarding and can result in a strong connection.

Heart of the Matter

Well, you know its getting bad when you write a blog to avoid writing your thesis. Who in the world avoids writing by writing? That's just messed up. Anyway, time for my first published blog in quite some time.

Lately I've been thinking/studying a lot about the most important human organ, the heart. Although I would enjoy writing about the psychological/biological stuff I've learned recently about the heart (some new research is claiming that some decisions are actually made in the heart as opposed to our brains!) I will be writing about our emotional hearts, because they're much more interesting!

Have you ever been around someone that just makes you feel good? That phenomenon is interesting to me, and it is hard to explain. There are quite a few people in my life that when I'm around, I feel good, I feel more at peace, I feel free to be myself. Albeit hard to articulate how this feeling is, it is even harder to explain why it happens. What is it about being around this individual, this "uplifter" if you will, that allows you to feel this way?

I've been thinking about this because of my profession. Someone, a complete stranger, is supposed to spend 50 minutes with me a week and somehow feel better about themselves and their situations. That seems like quite the daunting task, but from my short time as a therapist I believe I've learned a few things about this process and how it takes place. And it is a matter of the heart... I believe this phenomenon that I speak of is the result of authentic connection. It is the "interwinement" of heart and mind and it provides a safe place to be yourself without being on guard or filtering of yourself. It sounds easy, but that "intertwining" of hearts and minds requires an open heart, and that is the hard part.

The first obstacle in having an open heart is feeling safe. Ingrid Michaelson's "Breakable" eloquently stated this when she said "and we are so fragile.. and we are just breakable, breakable, breakable boys and girls..." It is my core belief about us, as humans, that we want to belong, and we want to be accepted. Nothing will more quickly close our hearts than a perceived judgment of ourselves. Why would we let someone in if we think they are making negative value judgment of us? Thus, people that tend to have this uplifting quality do not come across as judgmental.

 The second obstacle is understanding ourselves and being emotionally aware. People will often experience anxiety when someone tries to authentically connect with them. This is because most of us, if not all of us, have had experiences that have taught us that being authentic is bad or not appreciated by others. We then develop shame. There is something bad about us. So, when someone tries to connect with another, they will usually experience some type of anxiety. Thus, people who are these so called "uplifters" are usually skilled with not responding to others' anxiety. They can sit with and through others' uncomfortable feelings of shame, anxiety, embarrassment and do so without expressing a negative judgment. "Uplifters" aren't emotionally detached from their emotions or the emotional ambient, but they can experience the emotion with the other. This is a special experience. It is the experience of togetherness. Life is a lot easier when someone understands what you are going through. Life is easier when you're not on your own.

What being an "uplifter" is not. Being an "uplifter" is not expressing empty platitudes and compliments. I've often seen people try to be an "uplifter" by trying to express kind words towards a person that is experiencing embarrassment, shame or uncomfortable feelings. In fact, doing this might be the opposite of being an "uplifter." I say that because people often resort to this strategy when they see another suffering. They do it not for the other's sake, but their own. It's uncomfortable to witness another person suffering, and often times they want to rescue the other person from their undesirable feelings. Thus, they attempt to rescue them by saying "you're so beautiful, you're such a good person, things will get better, etc.." I've hardly seen these things help someone in a difficult situation. They also act as a guard from the person authentically connecting with the suffering person.

I don't see being an "uplifter" as a job or part of being a therapist. It's something that hopefully all parents can do. Every child deserves to have that secure base in a parent to explore and find themselves. It's also something that hopefully every church leader has, as they help others along the path. Developing these talents isn't easy though, and by no means do I believe I have mastered them, but it's something to think about.